Breaking Off From My On-line Circuit of Friends

As of today, 13 October 2012, I’ve officially deactivated my Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, FourSquare and Plurk accounts.

This blog remains my only connection to the people who are truly concerned about me. In my current state, it is as fragile as it is terrible. These friends will know where to look for.

A Notepad++ window showing the hosts file blocking off all access to these social networks by pre-pending to each addresses.

Even my hosts file on my PC is amended to block off access to all these networks, preventing any attempts of me trying to log in back to those networks. The machine I’m using has 3 separate accounts; my administrative account resides separately from my personal account.

Back Story

I come from Singapore, a land where the dictum “kiasu” & its cousin “kiasi” (“afraid to lose” & “afraid to die” respectively) is a national psyche that ingrained its young impressionable minds to constantly achieve for greater heights, regardless of its callous consequences to both themselves and others. I was taught to reach for it, but my hidden rebel refused to heed the society’s call. In my life, I was lucky enough to scrape past by various opportunities to move up the social ladder. Even so, I convinced myself that I’m not fit for the top rungs of the society as well as the general society itself.

This feeling of disregard might come from my family relations with its blood-kin. It doesn’t, however, explain – or excuse myself – my being very stubborn and arrogant in my viewpoint, knowing that it would just burden me further in my development of my self.

Since coming into contact with the social networks, I’ve managed to make many good friends, and jest, confront, comfort and communicate with them on a wide variety of topics I can muster or eloquently bater from obscure references. They seemed to be cool about my existence, or at least pretend that they’re happy with my presence whenever I am with them.

Over the years, I’ve become petulant in my behaviour, attitude and speech. Most of the time I have broken relations with friends and relatives due to my personality. Few can tolerate the acidic & toxic me, a consequence of a struggle to free my “already loosely-bridled self”, trying to convince myself that I should drop any inhibitions of social decorum, norm & etiquette in the form of “free expression of oneself.” My lackadaisical behaviour is also contributing towards every body’s annoyance against me.

Maybe I’m just paranoid about people not giving me enough attention, and yet I’m not able to cope with that amount of attention.

My guess is that my constant ranting over the social networks (not really producing any news that are uplifting or positive in tone – or even showcasing productive words about myself and my works – if any –) has caused some of them to un-follow me from their daily feeds. I suspect too that they have turned off notifications against my profiles so that they won’t be able to receive posts from me. Whatever it is, my mind feed on my paranoia to the point that I’m convinced that every body is slowly against me in a maniacal and utterly implausible Manichaean struggle between me and others.

Never mind. I’ve done the irreversible to my online persona, and I believed that the “me” as seen by others is too negative to be of concern. I knew that my yanking off from social networks won’t do anything to them. I just wished that they do.

The better option is to remove them as “friends”, but that will be public, and soon people will notice that I’ve cut off relations with that person via the “unfollow” function.

I would rather start over my public persona again. I am too toxic for my friends at this time.

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